This is a question sent in by anonymous on the “Ask Aaron Anything” link:
The question I am going to ask is based off of two different opinions that my girlfriend and I have. We seem to have very different views on this subject. I believe that any type of sexual act before or outside of marriage is Adultary. I feel that God doesn’t sit there and say stuff like “well technically speaking, it wasn’t adultary because you weren’t cheating on each other or weren’t married.” On the other hand she believes that sex before marriage isn’t adultary; she feels adultary is too harsh of a word. She still believes it isn’t good but that God doesn’t consider it as harshly as he considers an adulterer. This leads me to believe that God, in her eyes, is like the everyday lawyer and judge. That God, instead of saying “you’ve sinned and must repent,” says “you have sinned, but because the severity of the situation doesn’t actually out-weigh the number of good things you have done in your life or isn’t actually as severe as the other sins you have done, that you may or may not have repented for, that I hearby judge on the case of adultary vs the defendant that this courtroom find the defendant Not Guilty.” I don’t know why but that just seems wrong to me. I think God feels equally enraged with all sinners. But I don’t know, What do you say? Is every person that commits sexual acts outside of the covenant of wed-lock an Adulterer? Do you have to be married to commit adultary?
My Answer:
There are two things that need to be addressed here, first, definition which is not as important as the second, which is heart. What is the definition of adultery? Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married man and someone other than his wife or between a married woman and someone other than her husband. So yes, technically only someone who is married can commit adultery.
Now the most important, which is not definition, it is the heart. There is a lot of other sins happening here. Fornication, which is consensual sexual intercourse between two persons not married to each other, is a sin comparative to adultery.
I think there is a lot more going on here then just definitions. If your girlfriend is trying to moralize fornication because it is not as bad as adultery then she has a gross doctrinal error and does not see sin the way God does. My advice to you would be do not bite the apple. Do not let your girlfriend look at something that is sin and call it pleasing to the eye and good to eat and you just silently sit by and bite into that lie. It sounds to me like she is trying to make you feel better about sin you both have committed which, in my view, is both of you arguing over how bad it is instead of repenting. You need to set up some real strict accountability, expose the sin, and get your relationship right before God and each other.
My advice would be instead of arguing about how bad it is, take some action to correct it. Whatever the sin is by definition does not matter, it is sin. I will do all I can to help and if you need me please e-mail me and let me know and we can talk about it in more detail.
Right on, Aaron! The most important issue here is WHY (the heart's motive). Not the issue that they're both 'bad', but really its the glory of God at stake. Neither 'sexual act' is in the context of marriage, thus, not worshipful or glorifying to God. My post on your facebook about Adultery is a factor in realizing how important covenants are to God, but that is because covenant love brings Him glory! It shows HIS love for us. The bottom line is understanding sex as worship and ONLY as worship (thus in marriage with only your spouse). Repentence is needed but also a transformed and Biblical view of sex as God created it and designed it to be worship for His glory, to show us His intimacy with us and His pleasure in us, with a human representation.
heres my fb comments: all sins are equal in the sense that they go against the character of God (thus making them sin), however, God lays out the fact that adultery involves more than one sin…it is 'combining' fornication WITH breaking a covenant and vow (multiple scriptures on how serious it is to God if we break a vow and/or covenant – which marriage involves both)
God's Word is clear that all sin is equally sin, yet (not but =) God lays out different severities of consequences, especially as it concerns Covenant breaking sins. The covenant of marriage represents Christ and the church. So, when we commit adultery, it is equally sin, but Scripture clearly lays out more severe consequences – as in David's case… Read More (earthly consequence of his child's death and not being able to build the temple as he'd hoped due to the bloodshed to 'cover' his adultery) and also the affect on the innocent person as Elsie/
Absalon said – Malachi 2:13-15). To be technical, the greek word for fornication (porneo) is a broad word that encompasses all illicit sexual sins and includes adultery in its meaning, but the greek word adultery is also a hebrew idiom for idolatry…interesting.
amen lisa, I want you to transfer your face book comments to my blog so my readers can see what you wrote. Thanks. Good stuff.
"she feels adultary is too harsh of a word."
That's demonic.
Call out sin for what it is. sin.
Any thought of downplaying sin is demonically influenced. Pray for her. I will be too.
I would also even offer to say that it sounds like your girlfriend has not truly been born again in Jesus and repented. If she did, she would KNOW how to seek out the right answer, The Holy Spirit would convict her of her obvious sin, and even if she does choose to harbor it, she'll know damn well its wrong and it is flat out sn.
PA – Copied from Cornel's response and mine to the same quesiton on facebook:
"Cornel Adams at 12:22am March 13
I agree with Lisa. Both are equal in nature. Both are deceptive,blinding, destructive, and misleading in a lasting Godly happiness. Which basically goes back to the main three tactics Satin uses. Seek(bring blinding eyes to the seeker giving a misleading happiness and love),Kill(destruction to one's reputation on both sides, children, career,testimony, self-health,and Destroy(full on death to what God has created as sacred and good. Death to friendships, family, children,self) Yet in it all, forgiveness and restoration can be received and achieved with much diligence,prayer,and most of all love. Thank God for Him being the Sovereign being He is….for this life is more of a lesson for some than a blessings and joy but out of love, God brings both. For He desires all to be with Him in eternity. "I will leave the 99 for the 1""
"Drew Durkin at 6:49am March 13
"Added-
Amen Cornel. If we were to sit here and say "well they ARE equal BUT" and insert our opinion, the enemy can even use that against us. Cuz then he knows we're slightly partial to our own opinion up there with the Truth. They are both equal. Sin is sin. That's it. stick to The Truth.
No sin has greater bearing than another
Anyone who thinks otherwise is not only demonic, but plain unBiblical, and obviously hasn't read what God has to say about it, yet still desires to debate it like they have. Pretty comical if you ask me.
No sin has greater bearing than another
That'd be just what demons would like us to think, because then we can get away with little ones, right? WRONG! Adapting that mentality completely defies the entire Gospel which is based on GRACE to UNDESERVING sinners who sin by nature and BY CHOICE when given a choice. The only way Chrsitians don't sin is through Jesus making the choice for us.
Drew, i dont know you, but be cautious in 'offering' that someone is not born again. you have only heard a paraphrase of their discussion and from only one side. Proverbs warns us to not make a judgment when only yhearing one side. (Maybe she meant that the word 'adultery' is too harsh in that if you're not married it CANT be adultery? we don't know cuz we've only heard paraphrases of her comments. I know you're going from what he said, but having a weak or even wrong view on adultery/fornication is not a Biblical grounds for questioning someone's salvation. I do agree with and appreciate your strong view of sin being sin. Many people today are going with their own view of sin instead of the Word of God. Keep to the Word like Prov. 18;13 – make sure you hear the whole matter before making a judgment..
"Sex outside of marriage", lets think about it for 2 seconds.
If you're not married, and you have sex, guess what? THATS SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE. Self defining
whether you actually are married or not is irrelevant.
2 options to stay Biblical (read it for yourself)
-Through the grace and power of Jesus you remain pure and do not have sex (although intercourse is the actual blood covenant you'll end up making, this starts, I would argue, at even making out (1 Timothy 5:1-2 1 Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, 2 older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity) would I hug my sister if I had one? absolutely, but I wouldn't be interested in feeling any particular feature. Would I kiss my sister on the cheek or even on the lips if I had one? no, but just because I'm not that kinda guy:)… but some would… Would I attempt to do a slow kiss and make out with her? Again, only If I was missing 3 teeth and from Kentucky.
-Through the grace and power of Jesus you live a life of celebacy (no sex whatsoever) which is a Spiritual Gift 1 Corinthians 7 . and never have sex or get married to better serve The Lord. Because as 1 Corinthians 7 says people have to realize when they're married, thier time is now divded between the responsbility of taking care of each other and The Lord.
Matthew 6:27-30 Jesus says that anyone who has looked upon someone with a lustful heart has already committed adultery.
in view of that, I've commited adultery a few times this week. Because I admit and own my sin, confess it to God who I have sinned against, and repent, Its brought to light where condemnation and shame have no place and Praise God Jesus forgives and renews our minds so I'm not a slave to that disgusting sin.
Lisa –
I don't mean to judge. And its certainly not my place to question one's salvation. If that's the impression I put out I apologize and I hope I'm clear when I say that's not my intent.
I know I come off strong, but my intent here is to bring to light the intensity and serious nature of his situation. That he understands his situation is not one to be taken lightly. Its very serious.
Especially due to the fact that the first thing he says is "I believe that any type of sexual act before or outside of marriage is Adultary"
It sounds like he has absolutely been shown scripture enough to know that "hey, sex OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE applies if you're married or UNTIL you're married" and The Holy Spirit has engraved this in his heart and is at work in his life.
He has a strong Biblical view on it, i'd agree 100% with Aaron that what he needs to do is take action and not fall into our primary sin as a man and that is silence. Because by being silent you're approving and partaking in her sin.
Personally I wouldn't date a claimed christian who downplays sin. because i don't see how their heart can be right with The Lord, through Jesus, if they're downplaying the thing they should hate the most and long to repent of. downplaying sin is due to harboring it in your heart and not wanting to let it go. And harboring sin in your heart distances you from God. I know from experience
I think it was put very well when I heard "As a Christian our job is to live a lifetime of repentance"
I know from experience The Holy Spirit causes a heart desire to repent. Not a fence walker's heart who only does what is nessecary in attempt to avoid hell, stay in the pasture,l and gain God's approval and love (which is not how His love obviously works anyway)
My intent and heart in this situation is seeing a man who's got a heart and desire led by The Holy Spirit battling with a girlfriend who is demonically influenced and needs more prayer, more Jesus, more renewing of her mind through Jesus and scripture on what dating and marriage is in God's eyes, and more of a man who'll take a stand against her and her sin because Jesus is more important to him and he loves Jesus more than her. And if he doesn't feel he can, he'll put his faith in Jesus to give him the strength and step out and do it, knowing that God provides covering for him if he takes authority as He intends for him to.
to lisa caynor,
I too have a mate who wanted to make the point of distinction, namely that one involves a quite tacit, sanctified, formalized, deliberate vow, covenant before the Lord, ie marriage, and the other basically involves the same act but one in which the opprobrium of straight-out stepping on a promise is not present. …. in breaking a marriage vow there is stark evidence of the culprit's willingness to offend not only his mate, but the author of the vow, God Himself. There's a difference. With repentance, there's no difference, except perhaps in some realtime consequences. Like your mate divorcing you, with biblical justification.
What I'm writing about is your answer, which I liked very much. Judgmentalism, under the guise of righteousness, is the bane of modern christianity. Your gentle answer, looking at it from the "possible" posture of the girlfriend, was in keeping with the hand of grace that is always extended by Him, to get real answers … for real questions honestly asked. Maybe, just maybe, the lost will want to join a club that has such an Extended Hand.
i think you should all lighten up – would god have made the loving union between man and woman such a wondrous experience physically and mentally if it wasn't supposed to be enjoyed? Of course not! God enjoys BJ's like anyone else. in a metaphysical sense of course.
Very intelligent debate. in a sarcastic sense of course.
In marriage God does want a man and woman to enjoy each other. That is for sure!!
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own weblog and was wondering what all is required to get setup? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% positive. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks